Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right things. Did I talk to Boogie enough? Did I read and play with him enough? Was the food I cooked nutritious enough? Will he know that he is my greatest blessing in life? Will I be able to show him my love without being overbearing? Will hubby and I be able to resolve conflicts in a respectful way so that Boogie has the appropriate problem solving skills? Should I have read more books while pregnant? The list goes on and on. As I end another day, and Boogie is fast asleep, the quiet time allows the doubt to creep in. Was there anything else that I could have done to make today a better day? I possibly could have cleaned up the CD’s that Boogie spilled all over the floor a little earlier, but what’s the harm?
For me part of being a first time mom also means learning how to be a mostly stay at home mom. Prior to having Boogie, the plan was for me to take 3 months off and then return to full-time, but as we all know, plans have a funny way of changing. I resigned from a supervisory position and took a part-time position, so that I could be home with Boog during the week while hubby works. On weekends, our schedules flip. This has been our routine for the past 7 months, and things have been going really well, and after some prayer and discussion, it looks like this will be our permanent arrangement. This is another way that my faith pops up–I remember being on FMLA, counting the days until I was set to return, feeling the dread growing. Countless times I cried and prayed for an alternative. The thought of being at work from 8:00am-6:30pm four days a week absolutely crushed me. How would my sweet baby know who I am? Would he equate me solely with bedtime? The thought was unbearable.
Prior to taking maternity leave, I knew that I wanted my first few weeks back to be on a part time basis, so that I could slowly acclimate, and that’s exactly what I did in September. But things just were not the same, I was being asked to take on a different role, which I knew would not have been successful, and I felt that I was being put in a position to fail. After talking with hubby, I made the decision to resign, and to be honest it was the best thing that I could have done. Walking out of the office on that last day, I felt like I was twisting in the wind, but I also felt so lighthearted and had so much clarity. My new position allows for so much more flexibility, and it cuts down on the need for a sitter, because one of us is always with Boogie. To say we have been blessed in that regard would be an understatement.
Sometimes God puts us in a position where we have no choice but to take a leap of faith. I knew that had I stayed at my old position, I would have been completely stressed out, and that would have impacted my ability to be fully connected at home. When I resigned, I didn’t know that there was going to be another position for me; I put my faith in God, and allowed Him to guide me to where I needed to be. I was talking with a good friend of mine, who also left her position at the same time, and also didn’t have any sort of plan. We did dinner a few weeks ago, and laughed at how we both took the leap. She ended up being in the right position to offer unlimited assistance to a family member who is near and dear to her, and had she remained in her position, she wouldn’t have been able to be available. 7 months later, we are both happier and have learned to take time for self-care.
As I wind down and get ready for my weekend, I am reminded of just how wonderfully things came into place for me and my family. Sometimes change is a little like labor pains, it definitely hurts or at the least is very uncomfortable, but the end result is worth it all.